Love in the Afternoon
by Archaeologist
Summary: Kilgharrah wanted to know. Was it too much to ask for a little alone time? Takes place before the end of season 2.


**Title:** Love in the Afternoon  
><strong>Warning:<strong> crack, really.  
><strong>Disclaimer:<strong> I do not own the BBC version of Merlin; They and Shine do. I am very respectfully borrowing them with no intent to profit. No credits have changed hands. No copyright infringement is intended.

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Humans were so idiotic.

The boy, man, warlock, child, was always pestering him for this, that and the other. Didn't he know that a dragon, never mind the Great Kilgharrah, last and first of the dragons of Camelot, had better things to do that give him advice on love?

Love? What did those fragile creatures know about love? The endless ecstasy, the pleasure that built and built and built until it felt as if the world had cracked open and poured out red fire, white heat, until the stars themselves shook with the blissed-out agony of it.

Love among those fragile creatures was over in a matter of moments - whereas dragons could go on for days: exploring the soft skin underneath a wing, the slide of a tail curling slowly, slowly around the quivering horns, claws scraping lines of rapture into the eager underbelly. Oh, just the memory of it was stirring him.

But now, the Merlin-child had arrived, interrupting what could have been an enjoyable bit of alone-time. Again.

Trying not to snarl at the loss, trying to understand what the boy was talking about, standing there, wringing his hands, biting his lip, looking at him with hope/worry/eagerness in his eyes. "It's Arthur."

Sigh, did it never end with this one? Of course, it was Arthur.

"What is it this time, young warlock?"

"He… he thinks I'm an idiot." Well, that was nothing new, either.

"Sometimes you are." Kilgharrah could go on for hours about how much of an idiot they both were but he had memories and a nice long wank to finish. Best hurry this conversation up and get Merlin out of there. He had better things to do than listen to him whining again. "What did you do this time?"

"Hey, I didn't…" He looked down at his feet. "Okay, sometimes but it's his fault. And I didn't do anything. I…."

He wanted to shake the boy; Merlin was dragging his feet, keeping Kilgharrah from his afternoon's delight and he wasn't happy about it.

"What did you do?" It came out a bit more forceful that Kilgharrah meant. The boy looked up, frowning.

"It wasn't my fault but…." It took a moment but finally Merlin said, "I told him the truth."

"You told him about your magic?" Oh, dear, that could be a problem. Merlin might never help get Kilgharrah free if the boy had to escape Pendragon's wrath and leave Camelot.

"No, I'm not that much of an idiot. Uther is still king and I like my head where it is, thank you." He looked down at his worn boots again. "I told him that I loved him."

Ah, at last. It was about time. Merlin's longing for the prattish Pendragon had been interfering with things for far too long. His head in the clouds and he'd gone on and on about it, _endlessly_, to Kilgharrah, so much so that he thought he'd go mad.

Now, at least things were out in the open – unless the future king reacted badly. Which would be a problem in that Merlin would be down here even more often moaning about his emotional state. Kilgharrah didn't even want to think about that; being pummelled with house-sized boulders would be preferable to an emo Emrys.

"He said he loved me back." The boy was looking up with trepidation and hope shining in his eyes. "He said he loved me, too."

Something didn't add up. The boy was here, not loosing all his energy into Arthur's body, not shagging the other human until both of them were unconscious with satisfied exhaustion. "Why then are you down here talking with me? Should you not be up in the air above celebrating your union?"

"I don't know how!"

Kilgharrah tried hard not to snicker. Oh, foolish humans, so blind to the joys of experimentation.

It took a moment, the laugh threatening to bubble up and in the end, he coughed out a cloud of smoke and cleared his throat. "Yes, that might be a problem. But I don't see how I could help you, young warlock. I know little of human sexual rituals."

"I thought maybe you knew a spell? Something that would help me not look like an idiot with him?"

"A spell? A spell? You think magic would help you?" Okay, he did snort. It was just too much. "Oh, foolish boy, I can't help you with magic, not that kind. Are there not books or perhaps you could talk with that traitorous fool Gaius about it?"

Merlin's eyes looked like they were about to fall out of his head. His voice strangled, he said, "I can't talk to Gaius. He… I… no, just no."

Kilgharrah sighed. If he didn't think of something soon, the boy would be whinging at him for hours. So he thought back a few decades to when he'd been free and humans had told him a few things. Perhaps that might be enough to satisfy his young warlock.

"You need oil, cooking oil would do or the kind used in potions."

"Oil, okay. Gaius has some. I can sneak some out when he's not looking." Merlin nodded, obviously eager for any suggestions. It would appear that the boy was even more innocent than Kilgharrah thought.

"You need a place where you will not be disturbed. And bedposts that can be used for rope anchorage."

Why humans needed to be tied down for sexual practices was beyond him but he was there to help the young warlock and he hoped it would satisfy them both enough that he'd not have to hear Merlin moaning again about sex and love and Arthur.

"Ro… rope?" Merlin had gone white and then an unlovely shade of pink.

"Of course, you will need to tie the prince down. Rope works well or you could use manacles." At least he thought it was manacles. It really was a long time ago and he'd only been half-listening to the drunken humans extolling their sexual exploits.

"What? I don't think…. I don't know if Arthur would like that."

"Do you want my advice or not?" With a great reluctance and not a little embarrassment in his eyes, Merlin nodded. Kilgharrah just sighed again. The boy really was a trial at times. "I am giving you all my years of wisdom in this matter, just trying to help. This is what other humans have told me works well in human sexual rituals."

When Merlin nodded again, a little more eagerly this time, the dragon said, "Use soft rope. You would not want the prince to be hurt. Then there is a blindfold for the eyes, something called a ball-gag for his mouth, and a ring, I think it is called cock but I am not sure but you put it on his male organ and it increases his stamina."

Merlin had gone from pink to red and he kept looking down at his feet and then back up. His hands however were not loose at his side but scraping against his breeches; he looked almost sick, the sweat at his brow and the glassy eyes symptoms of disease or Kilgharrah thought it might be excitement. Humans were so hard to read at times.

"Are you well, young warlock?"

With a squeaky kind of yelp, the boy said, "Ye…yes?"

At least Merlin was paying attention. Perhaps after whatever was bothering the young warlock had passed, he'd be able to use Kilgharrah's advice.

One more thing and then it would exhaust his knowledge of human rituals, at least the sexual ones.

"If you have or can find a carved wooden dildo, that would be very helpful. Extra large as size does matter with humans. If you do not have one, I believe a cucumber would do or a long-necked gourd."

"Gourd?" Merlin was losing his voice, the sound of it rising into a high-pitched whine.

"Yes, you oil up his anus and then slowly, slowly push the gourd in, also oiled. Carefully, though. A smashed gourd in such a place could prove messy and a bit painful."

"Are you sure?" His hand was rubbing against his breeches again. Perhaps the boy had an itch or some insect irritating him there.

"Of course. I have heard that these kinds of things give humans much pleasure. I am sure the prince would reward you for your knowledge."

With that, he inched back onto his stone perch and waited for the thanks he knew would come. After all, he'd given Merlin the best advice a dragon could and any human should be thankful for such wisdom.

Instead, the ungrateful boy yelped a hasty thanks and with difficulty in his gait, moved away and out of Kilgharrah's cave. Even as his voice faded, he could hear Merlin muttering about rope and Arthur and how he'd tie him up good and tight and then he'd…

Kilgharrah didn't hear anything more. With another sigh, he sat back, hoping that the young one wouldn't return anytime soon.

There was an afternoon of pleasure waiting for Kilgharrah and it was about time he started.

The end.


End file.
